Hooray for Family!

This last weekend, I spent a long weekend in Carpinteria, California (just south of Santa Barbara) enjoying both warm, sunny weather (low 70’s during the day) and my extended family. We were gathered to celebrate my stepmother Dene’s 90th birthday. My dad (93), my aunt and uncle (85 and 89 respectively), my stepmom’s sister and husband, plus my two stepbrothers and sister-in-law and three of their four children, plus my son and his girlfriend were there—16 of us in all. A great troop of elders for the next generation to emulate.

It was a wonderful weekend, and especially good tonic for me. I felt so lucky, first to have had a good “first” family, and second, to have acquired such a great “second” family when my father remarried (my mother died about 28 years ago, and my dad and Dene have been married over 25 years now). The birthday celebration was Saturday afternoon, filled with good laughter and lots of stories. I really basked in the love and affection that was so evident in this celebration.

The stress for me, which caused a somewhat sleep-deprived night on Saturday, was when and how to break the news to my parents. I planned to wait until after the party, but with so many people around, it was hard to figure out when to do it. I wanted to tell them first, and then to let others there know. I was also very worried about their reactions, not wanting them to take on a huge worry burden. And as is usual, nothing worked out quite as I had planned it.

As it turned out, my imagination had generated much worse scenarios than the actuality. After planning to have these conversations Sunday afternoon, I was co-opted by a distance relative who stopped by for a chat. So I ended up talking to most everyone on Monday. The staging of the order in which I told people also didn’t work out as I had planned, but it was just fine. I talked with my dad briefly first, then went with him to talk with he and Dene, with her sister and husband sitting in because they were there. I spent about 45 minutes running them through all I knew and was doing, and they agreed that it looked like I was in pretty good shape. I was able to talk with one stepbrother before he left on Sunday morning, and caught the other by phone on Tuesday after I returned. My aunt and uncle I told as I put them on the train on Monday morning.

I also turned up more family medical history. Apparently my youngest cousin (a blood cousin) had uterine cancer about 30 years ago, and was treated successfully for it. And Dene’s sister had had uterine cancer about 20 years ago, and fortunately had no need to any treatment beyond the hysterectomy. It helped to have news of two survivors.

This whole episode taught me (a) the value of family and the loving support that’s there and (b) not to worry so much about trying to control just how things happen. What actually happens often works out better than what you had planned.

After these conversations on Monday, I felt an immense sense of relaxation. I think the hardest part of this phase is over. My family knows, the people I work with know, and now I just have to keep spreading the word among my friends—a slower process than I would like, but I can only manage so many of those conversations each day.

Here’s to FAMILY!!!!